Sunday, 17 December 2017


Sitting at my computer willing the words to come to me. Paralysed by the overpowering feeling of bewilderment. Visualising my anxieties might help me put them to one side and to concentrate on my 5 impending deadlines.

Dyslexia is an issue for me now more than it ever has been. It was picked up at the start of my MA, before that i'd just thought I was slower at, well, everything. Having found school a real challenge, despite my love for English literature, I struggled and felt I was simply inadequate compared to my classmates. I always found it easier to communicate using my hands and to express myself through making. I remember that confusing mix of emotions as a child and finding the only way to work it out was to take myself off to a quiet part of the house to glue things, sew things, paint things. My decision to study textiles as a BA was, I think, down to that feeling of comfort and understanding of the tactile. Materiality. This physical connection to the subject I was learning about propelled me forward academically and I begun to feel at ease with writing and to enjoy verbalising ideas and opinions.

The thing is... the overwhelming sense of adolecent inadequacy has once again reared its ugly head as I venture into the world of academia and PhD life. In the last three months, as I get to grips with the concept of doing a practice-led PhD, I've been bombarded with a series of 5 deadlines all within two weeks of each other. What's the problem? There are a few. I've been focusing so much on these written deadlines, that i've not done any practical work. There has been no tactility alongside my literary, and this leaves me feeling unrelaxed and uptight. Then there's the matter of thinking about all of these deadlines, which proves very unproductive. It feels like i'm stuck and can't move forward, past the worry of so many things to do. All work and no play has made Sophie an anxious person. I'm normally incredibly organised and can juggle many things under pressure. Because I know I can and i'm capable.

However, I don't know I can PhD it and I don't know I am capable. I've got the imposter syndrome and I don't know how to get rid of it. This uncertainty is making me feel even more inadequate, and so the downward spiral begins.


Thats out. Now to have a go at #1: Methodologies

Stream of consciousness as a tool?